I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
