so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
