Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
