i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
