I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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