When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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