i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
