One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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