I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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