looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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