Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
