I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
