My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
