I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
