omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
