Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
