Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im part way to drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
