Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
