So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
