she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
