You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
