I molested 6 butterflies tonight
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
