I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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