this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have tasted many bathrooms
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
