so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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