i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
