so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I checked into jail on foursquare
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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