I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
