she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
