I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
