Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
