My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
