Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
