Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
