I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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