Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
