Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
