it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
