i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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