I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
