Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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