Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
