the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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