I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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