if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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