This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
