based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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