My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
