My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
