she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
