This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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